Radical, extreme, next-level, hardcore, game-changing kindness
My focus right now is intense, off-the-charts, code-red kindness, and I invite you to join me.
If you’re thinking that undertaking kindness sounds cute but probably not game changing, let me share my thought process. See if you can relate, or if any of this alters your thinking.
I think of myself as a good person. For the most part, I button up and go out into the world with a gentle spirit and open heart. I try to see people, to hear them, to be nice.
Back home is my domain. There, I’m less buttoned-up. I’m less attentive to kindness and good graces. I’m more inclined to be abrasive or even a wee bit harsh on my own turf, around my closest people.
That’s obviously not ideal. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it gets worse. A layer deeper, inside my own head, I can be an all-out tyrant.
I know this isn’t just me. I’ve worked with and been around enough people to see close-up how we beat ourselves up with incredible ease and regularly talk to ourselves with a harshness that we would never use with other humans.
This incongruity has been somewhat in my face lately. I attribute it to a spotlight on my home front.
Long story short, we have a lot of people in and out of our house. This is a great thing. We often have guests, and there are almost always nurses, therapists and others coming and going. I can’t say enough how extremely grateful I am for this.
But sometimes I have rough moments, and I haven’t yet evolved to handle them expertly. In public, I can mostly keep my stuff together. At home, not always.
Say, for example, the times that I talk to my husband less kindly than I’d like (OK, I snap). Or when I get impatient with my kids at the breakfast table. Or when a perfect storm of stupid little things goes wrong and I’m really, really tired, and I scream, loudly.
Having someone outside of our household observe these moments makes them feel more real. Also more terrible and impossible to ignore. It shines a light on all the times that I’m distinctly not kind, gentle, or nice, and how I get down on myself and dabble in shame in response. It’s exposed things that I don’t want other people to see and I barely want to recognize myself.
But now that I have, it’s irritatingly and abundantly clear, in these contexts and so many others. I see specks of unkindness all day long, and over 90 percent of the time, it’s toward myself.
“What’s wrong with me?” “I should be better than this.” “I look bad.” “Ugh, I’m an idiot.” “I have no patience.” “That was a dumb thing to say.”
All this negative self-talk takes a toll.
It’s not hard to see how persistent self-criticism blocks joy and holds us back from trying new things and reaching new heights. How it brings rain clouds and stress levels that cast shadows on our relationships and even physical well-being.
So, what’s the antidote?
One solution I’m playing with is good old-fashioned kindness. Or better yet, relentless, proactive, devoted, hard-core, radical kindness.
I’m experimenting with different ways of doing this. Here are two methods I like so far.
First, in bad moments (like the aforementioned snapping and screaming incidents), I’m going hard for grace. No more shame-spiraling and kicking myself while I’m down.
My intention is to talk to myself like I’d talk to one of my kids who’s having a hard time. I wouldn’t try to make them feel even worse. I’d speak gently and lean in. “What’s going on, sweetheart?” “I know this is hard, you’re having a hard time.” “I see you.” “What do you need?” “It’s OK.”
I understand this might sound contrived. It’s the way I talk to my little ones, so it actually feels natural to me. I think we all have to find the voice that feels right, but the point is to be friendly and nurturing. To give oneself a metaphorical hug, instead of another swift kick in the gut.
Second, I’m proactively practicing kindness. Beyond those tough moments, I’m trying to cultivate it so that it’s more readily accessible and increasingly the tone of my inner world.
One technique I’m liking is to ask myself in the morning: How can I be kind to myself today?
Again, it sounds so cheesy, but it’s truly impactful.
I’ve been answering that question and then weaving the intentions I identify into my day. For example, yesterday I wrote that I would be mindful of how I’m talking to myself and to prioritize gentleness all day long.
That went so well that it is my focus again today, along with an extra heavy dose of self-kindness when I notice that I get distracted while meditating.
The goal here is to create an internal landscape that’s lighter and brighter. My hunch is that being attentive to fostering kindness on the inside, where we tend to be the harshest, is a way to shift the entire dynamic.
Early results have definitely been positive.
I hope you’ll try this with me, inside yourself, starting now.
