These ‘small things’ can help your relationship thrive
“Small moments of connection, positivity, gratefulness really mount up.”
I heard relationship researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman say that on a podcast. He was describing a concept he calls “small things often.”
Those small things “actually seem to form an emotional bank account … you’re creating a cushion for leaner times, when things aren’t going so well,” he told Dan Harris on the Ten Percent Happier conversation.
Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, are renowned when it comes to love and relationships. As therapists and researchers, they’re co-founders of the Gottman Institute and have been studying and working with couples for decades. They know what makes relationships tick and crumble, and they say attending to “small things often” is one way we can craft tightknit and resilient bonds.
The premise is exactly what you would think: stopping regularly, even if it’s brief, to connect and show care. Not hard, but so easy to forget and overlook. For me, anyway.
My husband and I have just recently become present to the fact that we’re “in the trenches.” That feels different from “leaner times,” but I suppose it’s the same. We’ve had a lot of pressures bearing down in different directions — two young kids, job changes, a move, health issues, and, you know, a pandemic — and it’s felt more like we’re solo soldiers in a battle next to each, rather than partners co-creating, sharing a joint mission. That takes a toll.
I see this kind of thing all around me, too, in different forms. Just the other day, I hung up with one friend at a crossroads in her marriage to sit down with another who’s at a loss because her partner says she “always pushes him away.”
We all have different circumstances and our own unique issues, but the Gottmans say paying attention to the little things can be healthy and restorative for anyone.
A booklet available on their website, “Small Things Often: How to Build A Positive, Lasting Relationship,” offers several suggestions in this department. Here are a few that jumped out at me.
Honor partings and the six-second rule. “Prior to parting in the morning, spend two minutes chatting with your partner to discover at least one interesting thing that will happen in his or her day,” the Gottmans say. “Remember to say goodbye with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.”
Show lots of affection and appreciation, i.e. look for opportunities to say thank you, send sweet messages, or offer specific praise (e.g. “I love that you’re so playful, especially the way you were with the kids this afternoon”).
Show affection: “Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss or touch one another at partings, reunions and before going to bed. Practice a lingering kiss whenever possible,” the pamphlet says.
Go on weekly dates, just the two of you, and ask open-ended questions to continue getting to know each other as you grow and change. “If you could change anything about the world, what would it be?” That kind of thing.
The booklet also mentions how important it is to process fights effectively. That’s another whole conversation, but on a broad level, their formula for conflict involves one partner saying “I feel (name feeling) about (point to the situation, not a defect in the other) and what I need is (identify a positive need: something the other can do.)”
That is: “I feel frustrated that the dishes are in the sink; I need help clearing the kitchen so I can cook dinner” is better than “You’re messy and disrespectful and you always leave your dishes in the sink.” The listener’s job is to stay quiet and listen, then paraphrase back and ask a few questions to be sure they totally understand. Then, roles switch. The Gottmans say only when both parties are fully understood can compromise and resolutions move into the picture.
That conflict resolution formula isn’t a “small things” strategy, but it’s another gem, and it brings up the concept of active listening.
The Gottmans say that making space to truly listen to a partner (especially about issues that cause that person stress) is bonding and healing. Passive listening doesn’t do it, full attention and presence is what makes it work.
This all speaks to me because it’s manageable. Not all at once, but I can shoot for one or two of these each day. I don’t have the bandwidth for a couples retreat or major relational overhaul at the moment, especially during these “leaner times,” but small things often? I can try that.
