Don’t let FOPO hold you down
Nothing holds us back more than FOPO. That is: “Fear of other people’s opinions.”
This is a concept raised by Dr. Michael Gervais, a high-performance psychologist who recently released an Audible Original “Compete to Create” with Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll. The program, like their online course, “Finding Your Best,” is about cultivating the skills and mindset for a big, bold life.
Gervais and Carroll have a lot of quality content, and their discussion on FOPO is spot on.
“One of the greatest threats in modern life is the irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people are thinking of us,” says Gervais, in “Finding Your Best.”
In another interview, I heard him refer to the phenomenon as “the No. 1 constrictor of our potential.”
As I see it, FOPO doesn’t only halt us from stepping out of the box and daring to be different in pursuit of something authentic and extraordinary. It also shows up in the way we long for validation and regard. Social media is a prime example: It’s basically impossible to put up a post without consideration (sometimes obsession?) about how it comes across. All this lands in the FOPO box, and according to Gervais, it all sources suffering.
So what to do?
For starters, simply being aware of this tendency can go a long way. Once it’s on our radar, we can catch FOPO when it rears its head. Just noticing the fear makes it less daunting and troublesome.
Gervais offers two other suggestions, too.
He says it helps to know our own principles. I’ll go into more depth on this another time, but the main idea is that when we’re clear on our personal philosophies — our unique set of beliefs and values — then we have something healthy and concrete to measure ourselves by. This metric is better than using an estimation of other’s opinions.
Finally, Gervais suggests de-coupling who we are from what we do. When our sense of self-worth is tethered to performance, the FOPO trap looms large. He says it’s important to separate the two. Who we are is much, much more than what we do. Let’s breathe that in and know it in our bones.
I’m working on that, anyway. Left unchecked, my FOPO would kill this column.
And I really hope you’re glad it hasn’t.
