See a broken and divided nation? Here’s one thing we all can do to help.
Now that the election is, well, sort of behind us, there’s a lot of talk of “coming together.”
But there’s a deep divide in the country. People on both sides feel strongly and perceive the other as a serious threat to what makes us great. The conflict is real.
So, while I love the sentiment of coming together, I wonder: How is that even possible? And what good would it do?
In considering this, I thought about my own politically divided family.
I don’t enjoy disagreement. My husband, on the other hand, is a bit of a contrarian. He’s also a lawyer. He loves digging into issues and pulling apart arguments. He looks for areas where we disagree (and there are numerous) and eagerly dives in. This is fun for him. Me, not so much.
For many of us, not seeing eye-to-eye can be unsettling, if not enraging. We gravitate toward people and content that reiterate what we already believe because that’s more comfortable and satisfying. But this is taking a toll. It’s skewing our perception of reality, increasing closed-mindedness, and sabotaging possibilities and progress. It’s perpetuating the divide.
The alternative is something we very rarely see. I’ve been working on it in the lab of our own home, and while it sounds simplistic, it’s a nontrivial exercise in humility and sometimes arduous way to build character.
In essence: seek to understand.
If this sounds super basic, read on, then give it a genuine try and see if you still feel the same way.
Seeking to understand means rightness and wrongness are entirely off the table. There’s no debating. No trying to convince. No good or bad. No labels. (I repeat, no labels.) There’s not even reciprocation. The goal is to ask questions with earnestness and civility until you clearly understand where the other person is coming from and the crux of their perspective.
I think this is the primary step for any real progress and certainly, for coming together.
I admit that it has opened my eyes. I think my husband would say the same. Neither of us has drastically changed our minds, but we’re inherently less ignorant. As one of my daughter’s books (What Do You Do with an Idea? by Kobi Yamada) says, “it is good to have the ability to see things differently.” It makes us more nimble, optimistic, and solution-oriented. On top of that, feeling heard is disarming and unifying.
I think cultivating more understanding is fundamental.
In any situation where we hope for things to change and improve, understanding — not agreeing, just plain old understanding — is the starting point from which new possibilities can emerge. It’s essentially empathy, which facilitates common ground and draws out the (often overlooked) truth that in the end, we’re more alike than anything else.
Sure, there are some bad apples, but most people are reasonable, good and just want to live a good life.
Now is a vital moment to consider this. So, give it a whirl.
Instead of looking to our leaders to make anything different or better, let’s experiment amongst ourselves. Anger and polarization aren’t working. I vote we try another way.
