Self-love 101: How to do it and why it matters
The concept of self-love sometimes gets a bad rap. It’s a little misunderstood.
There’s a cartoon I like by Sam Hepburn that shows a contemplative character gazing adoringly into a mirror, saying “For a long time I felt really bad about myself. Then I discovered narcissism.”
That’s the way self-love is often perceived; it’s frivolous and vain at best, obnoxious and destructive at worst. But I have a very different view.
The way I see it, there’s nothing more constructive than everyone learning how to genuinely take care of themselves. When we can do that, when we can fill our own cups, we’re steadier, more stable — able to be a bright spot and solid stand for others. We feel well and are emboldened to give.
I think a lot of us can get behind the whole put-on-your-own-oxygen-mask-first idea, but implementation is where things get tricky. We don’t know how to love ourselves.
I used to think self-care, as a vehicle for self-love, meant treating myself to a massage, taking a yoga class, or pouring an evening glass of wine. Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s deeper than giving myself some version of a treat.
On the most foundational level, it’s about addressing our pain. We all have our struggles, some big, some small, that life reliably plops problems on our plates, and we all have inner turmoil, too. The best response to pain is to offer care.
Care is how we demonstrate love. It can be expressed in a lot of ways, but two of the most basic ways are: 1) through our attention, and 2) through our words.
Here’s how we can use these to care for ourselves.
First, self-directed attention is really a matter of introspection. Self-care involves examining our needs, feelings, thoughts, etc., and at a minimum, our areas of pain.
We know our physical injuries require Band-Aids and medicine, but the emotional ones often get brushed under the rug. Caring for ourselves involves actually paying attention to what hurts—looking at what’s under the rug. Maybe we go to therapy or get immersed in spiritual support. Your path might involve journaling, meditating, or talking to others in similar situations. Perhaps all of the above.
We each decide for ourselves how to address our wounds, but we have to attend to them. Not obsess, or dwell in victimhood, but do the work to process our pain so it doesn’t fester and perpetually bring us down. Pain that’s not acknowledged is a thorn in our sides that not only sabotages our full functioning, it also ends up getting projected, and spreading. As the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people.” It’s in our own best interest and a service to others to pay attention to our pain.
Words matter, too.
When it comes to words that we say to ourselves, we’re ultimately talking about our thoughts.
It’s easy to not realize it, but our thoughts are laden with judgments, criticisms, doubt, angst, comparison, and standard everyday negativity. Our mental gripes are often aimed at circumstances and other people, but if we’re really paying attention, they’re majorly directed toward ourselves, too.
There’s a lot of pain and self-harm going on in our heads.
Self-care involves noticing our internal words — our thoughts — and adding kindness and warmth.
The best way I’ve found to become more aware of what’s going on in my head is to get more connected with my body. Tuning into physical sensation (a few slow deep breaths, relaxing shoulders away from ears, softening in the belly, feeling my hands) offers some remove from the constant ping-ponging in my head. It gives me a different perspective and the ability to notice my thoughts.
From there, here’s an actionable way to add warmth. I got positive feedback after sharing this with subscribers to my membership program last week, and it’s been working well for me, too.
For the next 30 days, say to yourself, over and over again: “I approve of myself.” Louise Hay shared this in her mega bestseller, “You Can Heal Your Life.”
She says: “Do this three or four hundred times a day, at least. No, it’s not too many times.”
“When you are worrying, you go over the problem at least that many times. Let ‘I approve of myself’ become a walking mantra, something you just say over and over and over to yourself, almost nonstop.”
Hay warns that doing this will dig up every belief to the contrary that exists within us. She says when that happens, know it’s part of the process, and just gently let those non-approving, unkind thoughts go, following them up with a dogged commitment to “I approve of myself!” It’s a powerful and practical way to address that insidious inner turmoil… starting now.
Honestly dealing with the various sources of internal and external pain in our lives is essential self-care that steadily manifests a brighter, gentler, more loving disposition. It’s a means for building self-love, which radiates. Loving people love people.
So, none of this is vain or inconsequential. Tending to our own gardens creates a more beautiful landscape for everyone.
