How to address our biggest barrier to feeling great
The way we think is often our greatest barrier to living well and feeling great.
I seemingly need to learn this lesson over and over again, so I’ll keep coming back to it here, too. It’s just so important and unbelievably easy to forget.
When we get bogged down in negativity, we sabotage ourselves immeasurably —- so much more than it would seem.
Being overly critical, focusing on gripes and grievances, lamenting in comparison, dwelling on all the wrongs — these thought patterns seem fair, natural and benign, like they shouldn’t be a major deal. But they’re infectious.
“I don’t like my arms.” “He’s the reason things are bad.” “I can’t do it.” “Everything is terrible and bad.”
The problem is that thoughts like this don’t tend to stand alone or just pass by. Often, we unconsciously pull them in and turn them into larger narratives that ultimately bring us way down.
Negative thoughts have a way of permeating and shifting our whole inner landscape. They darken us, cut us down and keep us stuck. They interfere with our hopes and dreams and fundamental ability to experience success and well-being.
I know that sounds extreme, but negative thinking is insidious. It feels justified, and sometimes we don’t even notice we’re doing it, but it casts a shadow that’s very real.
So, what’s the answer? Never have a negative thought? Only think about rainbows and butterflies?
No.
That would make life phony and boring.
The best solution that I’ve found so far is to notice negative thinking and choose not to listen to it. Say, in effect, “No, thank you,” and set it aside.
Here’s a for instance: I was getting changed and caught a few side glimpses of myself in the mirror.
“Ugh,” I thought. “That doesn’t look like it used to…”
Within seconds, before I had any idea what was happening, I was flooded with negativity about how the glory days are over and I’m basically washed-up.
There was maybe a 10-second delay before I noticed what I was doing. The knot in my stomach gave it away. I had clamped down on the train of thought, and my reaction was visceral.
Noticing that, I took a step back and asked myself what I’ve found to be the critical screening question for troublesome thinking: “Is this useful?”
In that case, no. My thoughts were only destructive. Thus, I discarded them. “No, thank you!” and carried on with my night.
Sometimes though, the answer to that question is “Yes.”
Recently, I thought to myself, “You’re acting like an unstable jerk, Marci.” That thought made me feel bad, so I caught it and asked myself if it was useful. This forced me to recognize that I was, indeed, being a jerk.
Shoot.
At least from there, I was able to change course, once I got done pouting.
Of course, there are times when our negative thoughts may require some extra processing or attention. I’ve written before about a concept called “conscious complaining,” which speaks to me so much. The idea is to take little chunks of time to totally unload. You can talk to another person or talk to the air, but the point is to let your negativity rip in a very purposeful way — to discharge the negativity instead of feed into it more.
I like conscious complaining because it feels like a way to honor what’s real in a very intentional container. It’s like using a trash can instead of littering.
To run some more with that metaphor: There’s no such thing as having no (mental) garbage. We just need to have a clear and careful system for handling it. Otherwise, everything’s a mess.
So, I’m now playing with somewhat of a negativity cleanse.
I haven’t stopped negative thinking. I’m just making an extra concerted effort to stop listening to the stuff that unnecessarily brings me down.
I’m sure that I’ll keep writing about this, and maybe even do some workshops with it at some point. Let me know if that would be of interest to you. I just think this is worth continuing to revisit because it’s so critical and complex.
The way we think is affected by a lot of factors. It’s complicated and messy. Making changes here is big work, but it’s some of the most important work, too. Our thinking effects everything.
If you would like to dabble with this as well, I think meditation is an essential first step. We need a level of mindfulness and awareness of our thoughts in general before we can become more intentional in how we respond.
For help with that, please check out my upcoming program “Meditate to Integrate,” which consists of one-, three-, and five-minute sessions to help us get used to stepping back often. It starts on Monday. Find more information here.
As we become more mindful, we’re primed to discern which thoughts are useful, which are auto-discards where we can kindly say “No, thank you” and move on, and which require something a little more, such as conscious complaining or perhaps something else.
I’m excited to see what might open up with some good old-fashioned mental housekeeping, for you and me both.
