How to work with your emotions

When faced with rousing emotions, it’s common to become reactive.

Author and researcher Karla McLaren says our typical pattern is: SITUATION —> EMOTION —> ACTION.

This lends itself to issues and, not infrequently, regrets.

Kneejerk reactions often require apologies and repairs in their aftermath; they always have consequences.

Reactivity isn’t efficient or effective, and it doesn’t inspire confidence.

 

McLaren says a better way to handle emotional uprisings is like this:

SITUATION —> EMOTION —> FEEL —> IDENTIFY —> WORK WITH —> ACT (OR NOT).

It makes sense that this would lead to better outcomes, but in the heat of the moment, it’s hard! This is where our mindfulness practice comes in handy.

And, McLaren has some helpful tools that can make delving into emotions (instead of knee-jerk autoreacting to them) rich and worthwhile.

 

Let’s dig into the process she lays out.

 

First, once we notice an emotional event in progress, the initial step is to feel.

This requires a pause.

In that quiet space, before launching into a reaction, we take a beat to feel and sense into what’s happening internally. This is a moment for being with and allowing the experience exactly as it is, uncomfortable as that may be.

 

Feeling positions us to then identify the emotion that’s rearing its head.

The emotional vocabulary list is helpful with this (see below). Some emotions are soft and low-level, others are medium strength, others are intense. When we can detect the emotions in their milder states, we usually avoid more severe collateral damage. But regardless of the level of the emotion that we pick up, McLaren’s list shows which overarching categories the feelings fall under.

 

 

 

Once an emotion has been identified, we can work with it to determine the best course of action.

This is where the Emotional Reference Guide (below) can be profound. It provides targeted questions for self-inquiry.

 

 

Let me paint a picture.

Say, you notice yourself feeling off. You’re just not quite yourself.

Following this model, you would take some time to go within and feel what’s up. After sitting with your feelings (not reacting, not judging, not talking yourself out of them), “disappointed” is where you land. On McLaren’s Emotional Vocabulary List, this falls under the sadness category. According to the Emotional Reference Guide, sadness is an invitation to consider: “What must be released?” “What must be rejuvenated?”

These questions for reflection may help you recognize that a belief, way of doing things, or maybe even an actual physical object could be released. They yield insights and facilitate intentional next steps.

 

It’s not easy to pause in the middle of a percolating emotion. But doing so pays off. It leads to better outcomes, and being mindful enough to step back in an emotional moment initiates a nontrivial amount of pride. It feels good to have self-control and to know our own values and needs.

 

I encourage you to review these resources now and return to them the next time you feel some level of emotions swirling. In those charged moments, challenge yourself to: 1) pause to feel what’s there; 2) identify the emotion; 3) ask the the relevant questions; 4) take intentional action. That is: EMOTION —> FEEL —> IDENTIFY —> WORK WITH —> ACT (OR NOT).

 

See where this takes you.

And please don’t hesitate to share 🙂