Forgiveness is a gift we can give ourselves
It’s easy to accumulate grudges and grievances.
Other people let us down. We mess things up ourselves. Life is messy, and “what’s the wisest and healthiest response to this transgression?” isn’t our typical response to things going south.
Fair enough.
But stuff festers. We pick up regrets, anger, bitterness, disappointment, you name it – gunk we may not even notice, hiding under the surface. But according to Ramesha Nicole, who calls herself “The Forgiveness Specialist,” it takes a toll.
“I’ve personally seen a decrease in mood swings, my depression and anxiety have lessened, my (muscles and nerves) don’t ache and aren’t as tight as they were before beginning this process of forgiving and releasing,” she says.
Nicole is a former school counselor turned Christian-focused wellness coach. Her mission is universal: forgiveness heals. It’s her life’s work, in more ways than one.
“Holding grudges and grievances drains our life batteries,” she says. “Think of a cell phone – if too many apps are left open, the battery drains, it runs out of power. Holding onto hurts and grudges does the same to our bodies. It drains and takes the life out of us, and it prevents us from thriving,” she says.
She doesn’t speak just in metaphors and abstractions.
“If someone has been sexually assaulted or experienced any type of physical abuse in their lives, unprocessed and deeply rooted unforgiveness can subconsciously impact how intimate individuals are willing to be with [future] significant others.”
Nicole has walked the walk. She has forgiven the person who sexually assaulted her, her grade-school teacher whom she overheard saying unkind things about her, her mom – anyone who has hurt her, whether they intended to or not. She has turned forgiveness into a daily practice and found more energy, freedom and confidence. Now she helps others do the same.
Of course, it’s easier said than done. We don’t hold onto grievances for fun. They’re the product of deep hurt, real pain and often very legitimate wrongdoings.
Nicole says forgiveness isn’t a quick fix, and it doesn’t involve sweeping issues under the rug. Rather, “forgiveness is a conscious decision to live and dwell in a place of freedom from hurt by no longer allowing those things to control you … and your life,” she says. It’s about choosing our own wellbeing instead of letting the burden of our grievances crush us.
But how?
Nicole breaks down the process into four main steps, which she calls the four basic layers of forgiveness – a series of questions that require squarely facing our pain points, in a journal, prayer or reflection: Who do I need to forgive?; What do I need to forgive them for?; What traumas were caused?; How did that impact me mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally, spiritually and financially?
She points to other practices – like writing letters to spell out our hard feelings, then burning them – for help with letting things go. But Nicole’s main message is that releasing our deepest hurts first requires honestly and introspectively confronting them with the understanding that we can’t have the grievance and our peace of mind.
Nicole’s forgiveness journey has involved a mix of therapy and her faith (she’s quick to recommend both), but regular self-inquiry via her four questions is her unique take. She says that act alone is enough to raise embedded issues to the surface for them to be start being released. It may not happen right away, but increasingly, with continued devotion to the cause, over time.
She says asking these questions daily can be a way to start working through deep hurts and smaller everyday issues as they come up.
In her view, to feel and live as well as possible, forgiveness is our life’s work – and today’s.
