The one thing that’s always underneath anger

It’s said that anger is a secondary emotion. It’s often the first afflictive emotion we see; it’s like the tip of an iceberg.

And like icebergs, there’s vastness and complexity under the surface of anger.

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Many different feelings can underlie this sneaky, challenging gift of an emotion.

To me, the most critical thing to remember is that hurt is down there, and anger can be a bit of a weasily out of that subterranean pain.

I’ll speak from my own experience.

It feels significantly easier and safer (it’s way less vulnerable) to lash out than it does to dig into what’s hurting. But the latter is the pathway towards learning, growing, and developing deeper, richer, more stable, and sustainable relationships.

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The last time I had an angry disagreement with a loved one, I caught myself feeling that high-octane swirl of reactive disgust. Anger makes me want to jump out of my skin and into action. The energy is so strong; it’s hard to sit still and tune in. My intense inclination is to pounce, to fight.

But today’s story is about a time I didn’t do that…

I paused.

I felt the rush.

I noticed the wild, aggressive, contradictory mish-mash of thoughts rushing through my head.

Then I asked the questions that emotions researcher Karla McLaren says anger invites us to ask: What do I value? What must be protected and restored?

I still wanted to do battle, but I breathed and reflected instead. It helped.

The questions pointed me toward what was hurting. They helped me put a finger on what was off beneath the surface.

Then, with that insight (and once I had more fully calmed down), I went to my loved one with my hurt instead of my anger. They shared their hurt, too, and from that level, we connected, healed, and moved forward.

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So, the next time you feel angry, could you consider the hurt that may be underneath? Could you use those questions to determine what’s really going on?

And, in general, what’s the first emotion that comes to mind that your anger could be concealing?

Could it be shame? Fear? Rejection? Overwhelm? Loneliness? Don’t overthink it, but drop what comes to mind in the comments below. This will help us all get our wheels churning and more profound reflection in motion.

I’ll say that for me, my anger often overlays helplessness.

What about you?