Our inner critics can be sneaky.
Sometimes they’re super loud and in your face. “I’m so dumb,” “I look terrible,” “I’m not … enough.”
But many other times, that negative narrator in our heads flies under the radar and brings us down without us even actually noticing. It stealthily steals our joy and potential.
Either way, our inner bullies actively work against us feeling healthy and whole and able to share our best with others.
This is something I’ve personally worked on a lot.
The loud critic in my head used to take up a ton of space. It kept me in problematic relationships and led to destructive patterns I’m still trying to fully work through.
Thankfully, this isn’t so much an issue anymore. That abrasive voice still occasionally shows up, but I’m better at recognizing her, casually thanking her for her input, disregarding said input … and carrying on.
But lately, I’ve become more aware of the quieter version of that heckler. She’s discreet but still a serious source of self-sabotage.
The sly critic doesn’t blatantly call names and throw shame. She downplays, second (or really, third, fourth, fifth) guesses and over-apologizes. She criticizes, too, even if her words are less harsh.
The sneaky critic is behind comments like: “I’m just a mom,” as though that’s unimpressive or not enough.
She prompts jabs like “I’m such a basket case” in a frazzled moment — because her fundamental belief is basically that we shouldn’t exist, never mind require anything (even if that’s just space or patience).
The subtle inner critic is often the cause of over-apologizing. That’s when we say “I’m sorry” impulsively and reflexively, particularly in instances where we haven’t done anything wrong.
I looked this up to find concrete examples and landed on Dr. Sharon Martin’s website. She’s a writer and psychotherapist, and she called me out big time with these ways over-apologizing shows up:
“The waiter brings you the wrong order and you say, ‘I’m sorry, but this isn’t what I ordered.'”
“You approach the receptionists at your doctor’s office by saying, ‘I’m sorry to bother you. I have a question.’”
“While checking out at the supermarket, the cashier accidentally breaks your eggs and sends someone to get another carton for you. You apologize to the shoppers behind you in line, ‘I’m sorry it’s taking so long.’”
“You’re in a meeting and say, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you. Can you repeat what you just said?’”
Of course, there is something to be said for healthy self-deprecation. It can be funny, disarming and relatable.
Sometimes leading with “I’m sorry” (even when we haven’t done anything wrong) makes what follows sound friendlier and more unassuming. This can be helpful.
But it’s also wise to beware how and when we say all these things, both out loud and in our own heads. They can be signs of an active inner critic, which, when left unchecked, insidiously holds us back, causes us to play small and generally dims our light.
But awareness can go a long way.
Whenever we notice our inner critics, stealth or otherwise, we’re positioned to handle them properly. That is — say some version of “thanks but no thanks” and carry on. I find it helps to soften my body when I do this. I consciously release physical tension and the self-directed negativity at the same time.
As our inner critics get more exposed, they sabotage us less. We lose a handicap. And possibilities open up from there.