It’s said that nonverbal behaviors make up as much as 65 percent of our interpersonal communication. I read that in a fascinating book by a former FBI agent, and it makes a lot of sense.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned from my yoga and meditation practices is how our bodies reveal a lot, and they don’t lie. We can try to convince ourselves of certain things in our heads but our bodies don’t play along.
One of my good friends used to throw up whenever she realized that she needed to break up with someone. She would try to tell herself that things would work out, to give the guy a chance. Then he would show up and she would vomit. Her body’s reaction: “Nope!”
Of course, most of our physical reactions are more discrete than that. Maybe we tense up when something isn’t right, or sense more fluid breath when we’re on the right track. Some of these indicators can only be viscerally recognized, some can be spotted.
Which brings me back to that FBI agent’s book.
Joe Navarro was an FBI counterintelligence special agent and supervisor specializing in nonverbal communications for 25 years. His book, “What Every Body Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People,” is all about body language. He gives a crash course on nonverbals and explains how knowing them can improve the quality of our connections. I think it could help us to know ourselves better, too.
So on that note, I’d like to share a few of Navarro’s lessons that have been helping me navigate and interact with a deeper level of awareness and understanding.
1. We touch our necks when we’re stressed.
Navarro says we touch our necks to self-soothe when we’re in some kind of emotional discomfort, or feeling doubt or insecurity.
He says even a brief touch of the neck is telling that someone is insecure and/or pacifying stress.
He even goes as far as to say that when recounting something terrible, one “should” touch their neck.
Navarro notes there are some gender stereotypes here. Men, for example, tend to cover their necks more robustly. I can picture some men I know rubbing the back or side of their necks with a fairly strong grip when something’s wrong.
Women, meanwhile, are more likely to touch, twist or manipulate a necklace, or cover their suprasternal notch — the depression or dip in the neck area — when feeling stressed, insecure, threatened, uncomfortable or anxious.
I can think of all the times I’ve played with my necklace or the flesh beneath my throat during conversations that I didn’t even consciously realize made me nervous or insecure. It’s helpful to be more aware of this now.
2. The most revealing part of the body: our feet.
Navarro says we turn toward things we like or find agreeable, and this is most wholehearted and genuine when we specifically turn our feet that way, too. When one doesn’t do that — when they only swivel at the hips — the person would rather be left alone.
Navarro says a cooperative person’s feet should mirror yours. When feet are pointing away, it’s safe to assume that the other person needs to leave, is disinterested, unwilling to further assist, or lacking commitment to what’s being said.
The toes can be communicative, too. Navarro adds that our toes tend to point upward when someone is in a good mood or hearing something they like.
3. How to identify (or express) confidence
There are a few telltale signs of confidence, he says. When we know them, we can recognize confidence in someone else and try the moves on ourselves to potentially increase the confidence level we both feel and project.
For one thing, he says confident people spread out. They take up space. He says that in meetings, the person who takes and maintains a large territorial footprint is likely very confident.
That person may also “steeple” their hands. This is when the fingertips of both hands are together and spread apart and hands are arched so there’s space between the palms. Navarro says this is a universal sign of confidence and it’s often used by leaders.
When we’re confident in what we’re saying, he says, we tend to sit up, with shoulders back and wide.
Thumbs can be indicative in this department, too.
For example, arms akimbo (standing up with hands on hips and thumbs backward) communicates confidence and standing ones’ ground. If thumbs face forward in this same posture, the read is that the person is curious, less authoritarian, more inquisitive.
He says statements that are made with thumbs pointing up indicate high confidence. Also, the space between the thumb and index finger can be a gauge of confidence or level of commitment to what one is saying: the greater the distance, the stronger the confidence/commitment.
Language is a powerful tool. It enhances the quality of our connection with others and even ourselves, and body language is a piece of this. Deepening our awareness of these universal nonverbal cues is enriching, empowering and, at least to me, super cool.