Pausing is the most valuable life skill there is.
OK, that’s a little too strong, but it’s definitely a good one!
Pausing creates this magical space where the path we’re on can suddenly take a turn for the better. It can be a game changer. It doesn’t come naturally, though.
Being able to pause requires enough mindfulness to recognize when it’s needed. And then it takes even more mindfulness within the pause to observe where we’re at and discern how to proceed.
It’s easier (and messier) to plow right through instead. We’ve all been there.
The worst things I’ve ever said or done have been in those times when I’ve been too absorbed in my own state to take a beat. There’s no pause, no reckoning, no intentionality, just pure, dramatic reaction. It’s a scene, and it’s no small feat to stop that train in motion.
The only way that I know to hone our ability to pause and step back is to practice building those skills in less emotionally charged times — to dabble in meditation as a way to build mindfulness muscles.
I’ve come a long way in this department, if I may say so myself.
I still disconnect and recklessly rampage from time to time (I tell myself that I’m being mindful, but really, I’m just consciously choosing to go unconscious). But more often now, I stop and take a beat.
In those tiny little timeouts, I might take a deep breath, or leave the room, or remember my mantra for the day, or feel into my body and consider what’s going on and what I need right then. Any of these actions help me disentangle so that my response on the back end of the pause is somewhere between 1 and 100 percent better than where I was headed. Part of that comes from just seeing things more clearly when everything slows down.
For example, pausing more has made me realize how ridiculously often I’m short-tempered simply because I’m hungry, or passive-aggressive out of resentment because I haven’t honored what I need in a given situation.
Meditation is how I’ve been exploring this territory more, and to be clear, I’m not sitting for long sessions or taking off on retreats. I work and have two young kids. I do what I can, and that’s generally a few minutes at a time, a few times a day. I’ve found this to be the best way to slowly build up my ability to focus (which still basically stinks) and purposefully integrate mindful breaks. I’ve written before about how challenging it is to keep up a consistent practice. This approach really helps.
If this sounds like it could be useful for you, too, there are lots of short, guided recordings online that can help you cultivate mindfulness and strengthen your ability to pause. I’m also getting ready to launch a program called Meditate to Integrate (more info/signup here), where I’ll send three meditations (a five-minute, three-minute and one-minute meditation) to your inbox every morning for four weeks. It’s all about those little timeouts.
Infusing the pause takes practice, and it’s always on the table. We can slow down and take a beat anytime. … And on we go.