My 2-year-old son dropped an F bomb the other day. It was in perfect context, too.
He had snatched the garage door remote and chucked it on the floor in the car. When my husband asked him where it was, he looked down, spotted it, then looked into his dad’s eyes: “F&%$.”
Needless to say, we’re working on using words with more caution in our house now. Choice four letter words, and ones that do a different kind of damage, too.
In particular: “should” and to some extent, “supposed to.”
These words can seem benign, but the way they’re often used translates into “I know what I want, what feels right and desirable to me, and I’m going to deny that because I feel external pressure to do something else.”
We say things like “I should get together with so-and-so,” “I shouldn’t go on this trip,” “I’m supposed to do this all on my own.”
Sentences like this typically spill out when we’re devaluing our feelings and placing a higher priority on other people’s thoughts and opinions (or what we perceive them to be). It’s tricky because that can seem noble, but it’s largely a path toward conflict and resentment – not altruism and success.
At a minimum, whatever we do from “I should” is imbued with less power and enthusiasm than choices that stem from “I want.” Worst case, it’s straight up bitter soup. Either way, it’s low vibe and unsustainable. Not an approach that lends itself to vitality and high-quality connections.
So, what to do?
The best solution begins with becoming aware and identifying when we’re falling into the should-trap. Then we’re positioned to make different choices that actually line up.
As I’ve paid more attention to this, it’s clear that not all “shoulds” and “supposed tos” are red flags. Indeed: we should go to the dentist; I should get more sleep; I am supposed to get my kids to school on time.
These words are more like yellow lights. They’re indicators to slow down. Now when they come up, I try to pause and check in. I consider: Am I denying what’s true for me? Am I feeling tempted to ignore what’s real and authentic because I can hear others’ voices in my head?
If so, I’m committed to brushing that chatter off and carrying on. I want to charge in, even if I’m tentative and a little scared. I’m just tired of trying to please others instead of caring for myself. I hate the thought of other people disapproving, but I’m so eager to stop squashing my own light.
If you are too, you should join me.
Just stop to ask yourself first.