Significant others have a way of getting under our skin unlike anyone else. We love them, and they can drive us nuts.
But do you want to know something interesting about that?
It’s often the qualities that initially attract us to one another that cause the most angst down the line.
This is one of the topics my friends, Roger and Albina Rippy discuss in their online course: “The Art of Love: The Secrets To Creating and Cultivating a Thriving Intimate Relationship.” In addition to covering effective ways to communicate and appreciate each other, they bring common trip-ups like this to the surface. When we clearly see what’s going on, we can proceed with more intention and care.
The pitfall of resenting the differences that initially draw couples together is one the Rippys know personally. They’re yoga teachers and entrepreneurs, and they’ve been together for 20 years. As Albina shared her experience, I immediately recognized my own.
When I first started dating my husband, I adored his lightheartedness. He was carefree and fun. He had a playful spirit that inspired me. He was cool, calm and collected. I loved being around him.
Now, I’m often frustrated that he’s not serious and focused enough. I want him to be less laissez faire and more on top of things. More attentive, less relaxed and fun.
I’m kidding.
Sort of.
Anyway, my point is that I have indeed become resentful of the very qualities that I originally fell in love with years ago.
There’s no quick and easy “fix” for this kind of thing. Relationships aren’t that simple, but Roger and Albina suggest a reframe. Instead of trying to change each other, they say it can help to focus on how differences aren’t just unavoidable, they’re essential.
They say, “our differences and our polarity create our passion and mutual attraction.”
In my case, if my husband were more like me — super on the ball and (semi) high-strung — our relationship would likely be boring and stressful. (I also probably wouldn’t have been so drawn to him in the first place.)
The fact that we’re different paves the way for balance and these polarities in and of themselves can yield passion and sparks.
If I can switch out of frustration and into appreciation for the ways we differ, a door opens. There’s more room for fun, play and electricity between us.
The Rippys say that as long as couples are aligned on the big things (family, values, raising kids, etc.), differences can be assets. If we can accept and even celebrate our differences that create polarity, our lives and relationships become all the richer.
Shifting mindsets is easier said than done, trust me, I know. But the Rippys say relationship happiness is “the secret key to happiness in life.” Anything that might help is worth thinking over.
Their course is $129. They speak from their experience as a heterosexual couple, but say the principles are applicable to anyone. Instant access is available at albinarippy.com.