I struggle with integrity.
It’s not that I don’t like honesty and virtue. They’re totally great, of course. But I’m not a big fan of rules, and to me, integrity always had a rigid, follow-all-the-rules-even-if-they-feel-all-wrong kind of vibe.
But Martha Beck’s new book, “The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self,” makes a different case, and it’s opened my eyes to a new way of viewing this concept. It’s great. I have to share.
If you’re not familiar with Beck, she’s a renowned life coach and veteran author with a list of bestsellers. I first came across her work in O, The Oprah Magazine, where she wrote a self-help column for almost 20 years.
Beck points out that integrity stems from the Latin word “integer,” a mathematical term to describe a number that’s whole, or not divided into fractions.
She says a person of integrity is in “complete alignment of body, mind, heart and soul.” It’s a person who is not internally divided, not lying to oneself, or acting in ways that don’t intrinsically feel right. Integrity means you are who you are, honest and genuine, through and through.
Beck describes how everything around us is negatively affected when this is not the case. Health, relationships, work, basically all aspects of our wellbeing. Thus, she says discovering where we break from integrity — where we abandon our own truths to follow exterior pressures instead — is some of the best work we can do. She calls integrity “the cure for unhappiness.”
But it isn’t always obvious precisely where the cure need be applied.
Most of us don’t realize how subtly and pervasively we betray ourselves — how often we shrink to make others more comfortable, self-modify to fit in, say things we don’t really believe, do things we don’t actually enjoy.
She says: “This split from integrity is almost always unconscious. The people I know who experience it aren’t wicked; in fact, most of them are perfectly lovely. They strive to cooperate with every rule for living they’ve learned from their respective cultures (and communities). Which is a terrific way to run your life if you like to look good and feel bad.”
So, how can we start to discern where we are and are not being true to ourselves, where we’re following internalized social pressure instead of our own hearts?
She has a few exercises for this. Here’s my favorite:
One by one, say the following statements to yourself, momentarily accepting each one to be completely true as you do. Beck says: “As you speak each sentence, feel what happens inside you. Your pride may sting, your inner critic may put its back up like a startled cat. But does your body relax a little, despite the apparent negativity of a given statement? Does your breath deepen? Do you feel a battle easing in your gut, your heart, your head? Just notice this.”
My life isn’t perfect.
I don’t like the way things are going.
I don’t feel good.
I’m sad.
I’m angry.
I’m scared.
I’m not at peace.
I can’t find my people.
I’m not sure where to go.
I don’t know what to do.
I need help.
Beck says if you felt something settle as you declared any of those statements, consider that an affirmative. She says even a slight relaxation is a sign of truth. It means something resonated; it’s a yes.
The practice of trying an idea on for size and gauging how it feels can help us connect with our own deep sense of truth. Beck says learning to do this is a practical way to check our choices for integrity — to spot sources of suffering and ultimately head toward more joy and meaning.
Beck’s holistic interpretation of integrity is refreshing. It doesn’t feel stiff and constricting. For me, it really lands. It lines up.
It feels like truth.
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