Life is starting back up again. Vaccines are going into arms and restrictions are falling away. It’s suddenly cool to be out and about again.
This is wonderful, of course, but it’s stirring up something funky. I can feel it, and I wonder if you do too: A new level of discomfort in reemerging social encounters.
At first, I thought my increasingly heightened reactivity and general inertia about seeing other people (even dear friends) was just me being lazy or strange. But then I did some digging, and it’s actually a legit thing.
Isolation erodes social skills. It’s science.
Barbara Fredrickson, a Professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, spoke about this on the Ten Percent Happier podcast (one of my favorites). She said our social agility is “use it or lose it.”
Several articles on the topic point to research on prisoners, astronauts and others who have spent a lot of time alone. Social anxiety, impulsivity, sensitivity, agitation and awkwardness are all typical responses to isolation. It’s essentially normal to be weird after an extended stint solo, at least for a bit, when exposure to others begin again. Having had smaller circles — so-called “pandemic pods” — over the past year doesn’t necessarily ward this off.
Reintroducing variety after a year of social malnourishment can legitimately make your stomach churn.
But it’s so important.
Professor Fredrickson noted in that podcast that the quality of our interpersonal connections is one of the strongest predictors of longevity. It’s also linked to how much we experience positive emotions. Even if staying in and watching Netflix sounds easier and more appealing, connecting with other humans is vital for our quality, and apparently even quantity, of life.
Frederickson’s advice: Practice.
Sure, social skills atrophy when they’re underused, but the flip side is also true. They strengthen as we interact more. Below are a few suggestions that I’ve found helpful.
I hope this assists you as it has me. We’re all in this together.
Start small but start now.
It’s up to each of us to decide how and where to start, but the key is do not delay.
Short of triggering all-out panic, what can you do today to gently kneed into any discomfort in pursuit of more social connection? Inching in is often the surest path through.
Say hi to strangers.
This may sound strange, but I can feel my social muscles reenergizing as I have small but pleasant interactions with folks I don’t know in passing.
The janitor at my daughter’s school is super friendly and warm. Just passing by and sharing a congenial “good morning” or laughing at my daughter’s antics du jour has been feel-good social practice.
Our random interactions can be easy to write off or skip over, but they’re great opportunities to add joy and flex some social muscle.
Go for a walk.
I like walking as a way of starting to get back together with people for a few reasons: Doing any activity together is inherently connecting. Walking side by side can be more casual and comfortable than other activities. And when it comes to feeling more relaxed, both being outdoors and getting breath flowing can work wonders.
Change is OK.
We have a chance right now to reshape relationships that were draining or problematic.
It may help to remember that it’s OK to let go of what wasn’t working and intentionally recreate what’s healthy for you.
Counseling can help.
Loneliness can be a slippery slope. If you’re feeling stuck or unable to get going and reconnected, please look into counseling. Do it now!
My research made it clear that there’s nothing wrong with anyone who’s having a tough time. It’s quite natural to feel some level of challenge; and help for that is available.
What works for each of us will be a little different. A trained professional may be just the ticket.