COVID-19 has put a lot of pressure on families. On top of financial strain, school and child care complications, and broad health concerns, a lot of us suddenly started being around our partners all the time.
Don’t get me wrong, having someone to share life with is an incredible gift.
I’m all in. I adore my husband. Still, being around him 24/7, with little exposure (other than phone calls) to the rest of my family and friends, has not been ideal. So, I’ve been doing some reflecting: How do I want things to look and feel in our home? What’s good to keep in mind when people are around each other a lot?
My areas of focus may be helpful in your home, too.
1. Maximize compliments. Minimize complaints.
Voicing complaints is sometimes necessary. Feedback, when offered with kindness and compassion, is an important part of honest relationships.
If someone can’t provide feedback or raise an issue, then real connection, teamwork and the opportunity for growth and development all suffer.
But it’s important that complaints are never delivered as criticism and that they don’t outweigh compliments and positive interactions.
Criticism, according to author and researcher John Gottman, is one of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” or behaviors that are lethal to relationships (along with defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt). Gottman says criticism targets a person’s core character — “you’re unreliable and inconsiderate for being late” — while fair complaints target specific issues. This is best done with “I” statements and the expression of a positive need; an example on the Gottman Institute’s website: “Hey, we’re running late. It’s really important to me that we get there on time.”
My hunch is that if criticism can squander a relationship, its opposite, praise, can help one flourish.
So, beyond never criticizing and being mindful when it comes to complaints, my priority is to double down on complimenting my husband.
I want to build him up as much as I can — more than I have been.
I want our home to be a safe and happy space, full of free-flowing, genuine praise. Keeping this concept in mind seems like a realistic, actionable way to cultivate that lighthearted vibe.
2. Pay attention.
Because my husband and I are around each other all the time, I think we’ve both stopped appreciating each other’s presence. It’s like we’re both there, doing our own things, basically overlooking the other. It’s irritatingly easy to spend all day together but never really connect.
So, I’ve been making it a point to see him. It’s simple stuff. I stop and acknowledge him when he enters the room. I wink or smile or touch. I make it a point to listen.
Yes, it’s great to have a nightly (or even weekly) dinner ritual or quiet time before bed, but these things don’t always happen. Little moments of connection are always an option.
3. Chill.
There are a lot of other things on my radar for what makes a healthy relationship. Apologize first. Forgive quickly. Have a weekly date night. Dream together. Visualize the future. Take up hobbies. Do sweet things.
I could go on and on.
Yet the reality of this moment is that life is challenging for a lot of us, and it’s important to keep this in mind.
As my friend’s gynecologist told her, we weren’t meant to live this way. Constantly being with your partner and barely around anyone else isn’t a recipe for life balance and pure joy. It’s going to bring up some stuff.
As it is, serious relationships surface our baggage — insecurities, unresolved issues, deepest fears, hideous qualities … the works. Add current circumstances to the mix, and things can get extra hairy.
So, if you feel frustrated or are having a hard time, there’s nothing wrong with you. Consider these tips but also cut yourself and your partner some slack.
For me, keeping this perspective in mind while looking for small ways to make everyday encounters a bit sweeter has been helpful.
And Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s advice is good, too: “In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”