Visiting a spa tends to come up in conversations about self-care. Maybe that’s why the subject is sometimes trivialized — as though self-care was frivolous and nonessential.
It’s not.
This topic has been fresh on my mind since realizing that I was doing it, for lack of a better word, wrong. It’s funny how it happened.
I’ve mentioned that my daughter spent a month in the hospital in Dallas. We’re home now, but from mid-November to mid-December, my husband, my 4-month old and I, spent day in and day out at an inpatient clinic with my almost 2-year-old.
Shortly after we arrived, a social worker stopped by my daughter’s room to check in. Her role involves helping caregivers cope with an admission that, while voluntary, isn’t necessarily a breeze.
“So, what do you do?” she asked me as she settled into the couch.
“I teach yoga and write about self-love,” I said.
“OK, well, you already know everything I have to say about self-care then,” she said.
“Oh, yeah,” I assured her, “I’m good!”
Ha. I spoke too soon. I missed her spiel and carried on, slowly but surely losing my mind.
The truth is, the hospital stay challenged me. I was worried about my daughter, agitated and uncomfortable from being out of our home and our routine, and I was frustrated with my lack of productiveness.
During one phone conversation, I lamented my struggles to my mom. She casually offered two pieces of feedback that, I realized as I digested, are Self-care 101. They’re two core principles that I had essentially forgotten:
1. You need some time to yourself every day
2. Mind your thoughts
First, having no time to yourself is a recipe for disaster. We can only give so much before we need a pause to recharge.
I wasn’t doing that early on in our Dallas adventure. I felt that my family needed my full presence and participation, so I gave them all of it. Enter exhaustion and resentment.
Self-care involves allotting some time every day to do whatever the heck you want. I’m going to say, at least one hour, and I don’t think it matters what you decide to do. It just has to be your own choice.
Point No. 2 is more subtle.
As I said, I had a few bleak moments along the way. Worry, overwhelm, agitation, general discomfort — they all came up, and I let them. I didn’t try to brush off or avoid my feelings. I honored them. Probably a hair too much…
This area is a delicate dance.
Yes, feel feelings. It’s important to acknowledge and allow where you’re at. At the same time, dwelling on thoughts that fuel bad vibes is a trap.
“You need to change your thinking,” my mom told me on the phone.
“Oh, right,” I thought. I forgot.
I can’t say that our conversation immediately flipped a switch, but she reminded me that a basic tenant of self-care is consciously choosing things that feel good. Thoughts are the most elemental version of that.
So, I tried to start catching myself. It looks like this:
Recognize that I’m dwelling on thoughts of struggle. Acknowledge that’s where I’m at. It’s OK; remind myself this will pass and turn my attention to something less dreary: My little girl has made fantastic progress. My kids are freaking adorable. I really like my husband. You get the picture.
Self-care can take many shapes. It absolutely involves massages, manicures, therapy, time with friends, good food, etc. But the crux of it is basic and free. It’s about treating yourself with kindness and respect. Giving yourself time and minding your thoughts are two foundational ways to be good to No. 1 — which puts us in a space to be good to others, too.
It’s not complicated, but sometimes we could all use a refresher.